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worry less. enjoy much more.

worry less. enjoy much more.
This is my Debut book it is available on Amazon

Friday, March 27, 2015

I am about to give birth

So here I am about to give birth to my first published book.

Sitting looking out the window- at the stars.
Looking for the North Star to guide me.I need some guidance because...

 I have a confession to make,  Writing a book: It was a huge labor of love and a big learning curve. There were emotional ups and downs. I stopped writing and was going to give up 4 times.

 My topic is not about Health and Wellness per say. It's about getting your health back after a stressful living situation. Writing a book when you have a learning disability in writing and anxiety- is double tough.

 The sense of panic I have had about the topic, graphic design, what reviewers would write and so many fears appeared. My self doubt crept in a number of times telling me," Ha, your writing a book ," No one will want to read it." "What do you have to say that hasn't been said?"

 I am trying hard to let go of fear, I even talk about it in my book- but some how it still appears. After I take my own advice, and breathe, meditate and or take a walk I see the fear was not real at all. 

So here I sit with a book about to go on Amazon and I am not jumping for joy. My fears, anxiety and Mess life don't meld with my offerings- I want my clients to live a happy life with little worry but sometimes I can't follow my own advice.

The topic of my book Verbal Abuse is hard. It's hard for me to stare at it in the face and know that for much of this process of writing, I felt robbed. I didn't get to be the wife, lover and partner I thought I would be. My husband's verbal abuse changed that- His constant de-validating who I was, who my step-son really was and his inability to love us for who we are, not who he wants us to be- made us feel robbed. It's hard to promote because it's not a book for everyone. 

I didn't feel cherished and now it's time to step up to the plate and partake in some self-love skills that involve me cherishing myself, and yes, even my anxiety and fear. It's all part of me. I feel like I am a passionate person, I have passions that enable me to feel deeply. That is a good thing.

 My anxiety defined me for most of my young adult life into my adult life, but now that I have tackled the big job of writing a book, getting it published, designing it and marketing it- I feel like my anxiety affects they way I live my life but I am learning how to live with it.

90% of writers fail at finishing their books, So with 130 million books in print I should be happy mine will be one of those. I am happy. I know that I will have many trials and sorrows, but I can overcome them- tame them- Relish in them.

I am sitting here feeling alone. Tears streaming down my face. Why? I tell my clients to think positive. To look at what is NEW and GOOD not the obstacles. Then why is it hard to take my own advice and look at the good.

 Look at why I wrote the book, and the healing that happened while doing it. I wrote the book as a service to other women who were feeling alone in their married life because of social isolation or verbal abuse.
 I wrote the book to make people aware. I stepped out of my comfort zone and stood far away from the zone and got deep and dirty into my hurt, pain and chaos. I did all this in the name of growth.
Then for goodness sake why do I feel so unloved today. The truth is I expected writing this book would fill my void. It would fill me with pride, and I wouldn't feel unloved anymore. I would ooze with the feeling that I wrote a book and I would no longer feel invisible. Well, that didn't work.I know self-esteem and self-love come in to play here and I know that some of my cracks have been filled by writing this book, but not all of them. I am a work in progress. Don't most of us just want to feel loved, appreciated and most of us go through life as wives, mothers, lovers feeling unloved?

The words by George Bernard Shaw " Life isn't about finding yourself it's about creating yourself." ring in my head. I keep creating a new me- a me that is less anxious, a me that loves her messy life for better or worse, a me that is growing and evolving a me that can feel the pain and admit it. So I a creating a new me, with the birth of this book.

I have admitted that I feel alone today- and  when I am about to give birth to my debut book and some of my feeling alone is  because no one called me when my book went to publish only my Mother. 

My mother who wasn't always emotionally available for me as a child and a teen. She was there on the other end of the phone to show me true support for completing a goal, to the end and being vulnerable enough to share my story, no matter how messy it is.

  I know the world is changing and Social Media and texting is the way we communicate now. I am trying to embrace that. I am grateful for the support I received on Facebook and in texts. I received dozens of well wishing from my siblings, and family, old coworkers, other health coaches and other authors. I know their wishes were genuine and I really sincerely appreciate the time they took to tell me. Some how I think I just needed a call, a voice, a hug.

IF you know me well, you know hugging doesn't come easy for me. I have never been a demonstrative person. 
My father was great at hugs and kisses. He wanted you to greet him upon entering his home with a hug and kiss and upon leaving. It was a great legacy to leave, except that when it was time to do this when he was alive. It was so difficult for me. Why you might ask? I am not entirely sure why? I loved and still love my father more than anything but the fact to have to look him in the eyes and hug him was difficult. I wish now I could do it all again, without trepidation, but its' too late for me to do with him. ( he passed) So I try hard to show up- and do it with my son. It's still sometimes a struggle, but I try to remind myself how good it feels. 

So if you see me on the street, in the grocery store or somewhere - I bet I need a hug. YOU can congratulate me on my book with a hug. 

So as I am about to hit publish for this post and publish to amazon 
I want to remind you that YOU are stronger than the things that make you feel weak. 

And even though my story and life  make me feel weak sometime... I am getting stronger every day.

IF you would like to know more about my book you can go to
If you would like to pre-order a copy before it goes to Amazon you can do it  here

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